Tag Archives: life

At the wedding

The music is loud and we are dancing to the same song “Sheila ki jawani” for the third time in a row. The song ends with a roar of laughter and we rest for a while  to sip a drink.  As we take a sip, another  bollywood shaadi number rolls and we’re on the floor. We ask M for a solo and she dances sexy and awesome, she’s got the moves and we’re all awed by her.  As the laughter roars again, my mind travels miles away to Delhi, I think of mom I take a deep breath and head out of the room. I miss Mom and I’m scared for having so much fun and feeling what I am feeling. I panic, I think of the pain and I panic. I feel an urge to talk to Mom, I’m scared. As I punch her number, tears trickle down my cheeks and I’m scared for being so happy because I know life is a cycle of happiness and sadness and I’m scared to feel free and feel light thinking the next feeling might be something I felt when we found out Mom’s got cancer, a severe type and the diagnosis is not so good. I get scared and I panic and tears roll down my cheeks. Mom picks up the phone and says “hello”. I’m relieved. We talk about how her day was and I inquire if everything’s going on fine. She tells me about her daily activities,  asks me to convey my regards to the bride to be. After that she tells me not to worry about her and have a lot of fun at the party and warns me not to drink a lot of wine and beer.  I try not to talk to her for long, fearing she might sense my fear. I say goodbye and promise to call her the next day. I walk back in the room; the ambience is intoxicatingly fun and light. They are still dancing to another silly bollywood number, I join in but the energy is not as high and I’m relaxed to be tensed. My fear subsides but its there and I’m relaxed that the fear is there for as long as it is there, the next feeling is going to be a good one and not a worst one, and I’m a bit relieved to believe so.

I was in Delhi since last few months with Mom to get her the treatment she needed. I came to Kathmandu for few days to attend my best friend’s wedding. Mom and Dad wanted me to attend it and take a break from the humdrum that’s been going on for months.

P.S This is post is out of my diary 2 years back. At that time Mom had been diagnosed with Cancer and I was in Delhi with her for her treatment. It will be a short 5-day series with short posts straight from my personal diary. The posts will be devoid of pictures but hope you guys will read through it regardless.

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under Cancer, Life, ramblings

What makes our relationship work?

A and I have been together for almost 2 years and we’ve been married for about 5 months now. Its been a jolly ride since we’ve been together and I love my life with A. Almost all my friends in this blogo-sphere have a rocking relationship with their spouse or husband, which reminds me how lucky I am to have a rocking relationship like you all :).
Every couple is different and each relationship works in its unique way. Today I want to share what makes our relationship work.

  1. We try not to judge each other. There was a time when I thought that A was of a certain type :P. At that time I didn’t know him that well and was judging him based on the “circumstances”. But as I got to know him, I learnt how wrong it was to judge someone. Once I let this initial ice break, it has been a pleasure to discover him. He is not a perfect person and neither am I. We both know this and we’re perfectly ok with each other.
  2. We are friends first. On top of everything else we’re friends first. We enjoy each others company a lot. We are not the type of friends who are all praises about each other. He is my first and foremost critique. Well, it doesn’t feel good to be confronted for your not so good side but A confronts me anyway. At first, I may be upset or even argue but at the end I always come out a better person. We do not sugar coat each other on unnecessary things. If something needs to be said, we say it but we also explain why and make each other understand and often we end up smirking on what an a** we’ve been at a certain situation.
  3. We love and respect each others family. When you get married to a person, you marry the entire family, even the extended family. We make it a point never to small talk about our respective in laws. We both understand its a very sensitive area. I love my parents and so does he, we both know the importance of family and we never judge each others family about the petty little things. This way, I can talk about my own insecurities regarding my parents with him and vice-versa knowing that we’re just human after all. And this applies not only to our families but to our friends too.
  4. We adapt. At first when I met A, he didn’t know anything at all about cooking. When I mentioned the word cooking at home, he used to get irritated for having to spend his evening doing something as silly as cooking when you could easily order anything from outside. But we’ve come a long way since then. A not only helps me to cook but he has started to enjoy cooking now. On the other hand, I was very introverted and shy about sports. I didn’t know how to play any outdoor sports. But now, we play badminton every other evening and I enjoy it a lot.
  5. We have our freedom. If we go to a restaurant, we don’t hesitate to order the dish that only one of us likes. Although this freedom was not easy come, we both have learned to understand that we are two individuals. It may sound silly to put this point here but for us its definitely worth a mention. At the beginning when we were dating, I used to be annoyed when A didn’t eat the food I ordered for him or didn’t say “I’ll have whatever you order(for me)”. He always said,”Ok lets order that but I’ll have this one today”. I had seen all my friends and their spouses having no problem at all when their wives/girlfriends ordered food for them. But A is not like that. He has always known what he wants and this goes for what he wants to eat as well.
  6. We compromise. Yes we do compromise. One example is the kind of movies we want to watch. A is fond of action thriller, horror and detective movies. I am fond of drama, reality based and romantic movies. I get tired of watching all the violence on screen but I watch it anyway. A feels sleepy during the drama movies but he watches it anyway. Apart from this, we compromise on many more things without remorse and this is what makes our relationship stronger.

And the list is longer but these are the basics that make our relationship work. However there are things that we’re still learning about each other and we are still on the phase of discovering each other. A relationship brings discipline in life, it teaches us to live above ourselves and think of another being first. I feel blessed to have A in my life. It all makes sense, he is a perfect match for me. The other day we had a little dispute with our friend. All of us were saying a thing or two but he was silent. When I asked him why, he talked about Gautam Buddha’s teachings by saying, “We all could win by arguing but before we argue we have to be able to differentiate if the argument is worthy of what comes after it”. He went on to say, I am not against putting our points forward in an argument and we could be telling the truth but what we have to learn is to rise above and think is it really worth it? Will it really make things better? If it does, I would be the first one to voice out but if it doesn’t whats the point? I could not refute him and I was glad about it.

Above all, we both have learned to be a better human being from each other and this is what makes our bond even stronger.

10 Comments

Filed under Life, ramblings

A Hard Lesson Learned In A Battle With Cancer(By Cameron Von St. James)

Last month I got the most generous request from my fellow reader Cameron. He requested to publish the story of his and his wife’s battle with cancer. It made me feel humble and thankful for this opportunity to share the story of a successful battle against cancer in my blog. I hope this story will inspire many people who are battling with cancer to never give up. Happy reading and a big thanks to Cameron for wanting to share his story in my blog :).

My wife Heather’s battle against cancer began only 3 months after our first child, Lily, was born. We found ourselves sitting in a doctor’s office, hearing a diagnosis of malignant pleural mesothelioma. It was then that I knew I was in a battle with her. I felt sad and bewildered. Our daughter had just been born and it should have been the happiest time of our lives. Instead we were faced with the news that we could get treatment for her cancer at a regional hospital, a local hospital, or doctor in Boston that specialized in Heather’s form of cancer. I felt that the Boston treatment option was our best bet for success. “Get us to Boston,” is what I said while my wife sat stunned and shocked. It was the first of many impossible decisions that we’d be forced to make together in the coming months.

The next few months were chaos for our little family. Heather had to quit her job, and that left me working part time, taking care of our infant daughter, and coping with huge bills coming each day. There were times in those first few months when I found myself crying alone. I couldn’t go to Heather with those troubles because she had the biggest fight of her life on her hands. I dealt with it by myself, trying to do everything at once while working to support us. I loved taking care of my wife but it left little time for everything else. I worried I would be left raising a child on my own, without my wife beside me.

Financial problems piled up and I was finally forced to accept help from our family. It was at that moment that I realized the first of many hard lessons we were to learn: You HAVE to accept help where you can get it when you’re fighting cancer. There is no room for pride in a cancer fight, and when I finally learned this a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Even the smallest offer of help can remind you that you are not alone in this fight after all.

Heather fought bravely through her mesothelioma treatments and against all odds, she beat mesothelioma. She is now cancer free, our daughter knows her mother and will know her while she’s growing up.

Among the most important lessons I learned was that people can get through anything if they believe in themselves and each other, and they can become better people for it. We must fight on no matter how grim the prognosis is. In the end, we can win, and that’s what my wife and I proved and learned. We hope that by sharing our story of hope here, we can help inspire others currently battling through their own cancer stories. Never give up hope, and never stop fighting for the ones you love.

I hope this story inspires us all. Lets appreciate life a little more and try to live every moment of it as no one knows what tomorrow might bring. Happy living :). Good luck to Heather, Cameron and Lily for their long life together. Kindly follow through the link to learn more about the disease.

4 Comments

Filed under Cancer

To write or not to write

One of the things that I’ve been musing about lately is “to write or not to write”. I am very new to this world of blogging. When I first discovered it, I was so overwhelmed by the like minded people I met here, I felt a need to simply be present.

I didn’t have a clear direction on what I wanted my blog to be and what I wanted to write about. I have always written about my musings now and then but they are very personal. I was not sure if I would be so comfortable to open myself up and be naked. I have always been a private person. Although I love and admire people who can make a lot of friends and socialize anywhere they go, I haven’t quite been able to be that person. I have limited friends but the ones I have are very dear to me and are friends since a long time. I must confess that I’ve been safe in my space here, I haven’t taken a chance and I haven’t pushed myself to really be out there. I am an optimist and I’d like to make things work but that also leads to ignoring and not dealing with the negatives that exists in life. I am fearful of the “inevitables”(if it makes any sense). What I mean here is, I’d be happy to blog about the good things in life but for me to blog about the bad/sad things, it takes courage. On the contrary I do not usually write about the good feelings(lets say in my diary) but rather they are the sad contemplations of life. May be its the fear of exposing my vulnerabilities or my fear of dealing with circumstances or the eastern way of socializing.

Life is very uncertain and I say this with experience and I know how true it is. This uncertainty about life scares me. During good times I tend to think about how life is in constant motion and “good follows bad and bad follows good” cycle and during tough times I tend to worry about how tougher things might get.

I believe in honest writing, if I’m not honest I’d rather not write. I like it personal and I like it honest. So lately I’ve been struggling to find the right words to say here. I have been thinking should I write about the delicious food I prepared when I’m unwell and cannot enjoy the delicious food or should I write about the humdrum that has been going on with the upcoming wedding when I’ve not been able to enjoy it so much being far from the family and not feeling so healthy. Overall I’ve come to realize that I cannot be so open about my life sharing every detail.

I hope I will not be disappointing my readers, however few they are. I will surely continue to write in this space here but they will be less frequent. And another important thing for me to figure out is, how social I can be in this space and how much of personal details I can share. May be I can find a way to be social without being too personal :).

7 Comments

Filed under ramblings

How would it feel to have it all?

In life, I have never been perfectly satisfied for long. There are times when I take a moment to thank God for what I have and how good my life is. I truly feel blessed but the feeling does not last forever. Now and then I feel like there is something missing in life, I feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’ve been wasting my time all life long and ignoring that one true calling.

Everything happens for a reason, its not hard to believe in this. I can see the reason why I am here and I can see the reason why things happened in the past and I am very thankful to be where I am; I feel blessed to have my family and friends around me, they are my support system. I know I am strong, head strong and I can get what I want. I also know that change is essential, being in one place for a long time is not my thing. I need change, I need wings, I want to fly. Today is one of those days when I feel like what the hell am I doing here, does everything in life narrows down to money and will I spend my life just thinking about the three basics of living that my eastern values have taught me? Will I live like my parents who spent their entire life worrying about food, home and children? All I’ve ever learned is that life is only about earning a living! I am so confused right now.

Sometimes I wonder, how life would be, if I could just do what I love to do, how would life be if I were to discover that one missing ingredient. But again, life lures you into thinking that there is this one thing that exists that will change the way you think and change the way you live. It makes you alive, curious and you venture out in a life long search of something that probably doesn’t even exist. The enigma of life never fails to fascinate me, the passion of poets never fail to confuse me. Sometimes I wonder, what did the greats discover and how did they feel when they had it all? But there is no perfect life, there is no example of a perfect living and there is no example of a perfect being.

Today is one of those days when I feel like doing nothing. It is one of those days when I feel like digging deep and finding answers. I just wish I could be at peace. I wish I could just read a book, stroll in the beach, sip margaritas and do nothing. May be I need a vacation o_O!!

4 Comments

Filed under Life, ramblings

All about Us

I am an ordinary person and I have lived an ordinary life. I keep discovering myself every day. I have always been drawn by mysterious philosophies that revolves around human emotions, sentiments and the life we live. Isn’t it strange how people behave in a certain way? How events occur and how it leads to a situation that we never even imagined we would be in? My story with A is something like that. I have always been teased by P, my best friend regarding the possibility of A and me being together in a relationship. I was never to know, her innocent yet casual thought would come true in the most awkward and unlikely scenario.

A was working since last few years in the same company that I work in. He was the only Nepali in this company before I joined. I had had few conversations with him over Facebook which was generally regarding how the company was, the working environment and so on. Even though we graduated from the same university, I had never met him. I had only heard of him.

When I arrived at B city to work, I hadn’t informed him of my exact date of arrival. When I arrived at the place where I was supposed to stay, there he was, at the corridor of the same floor where my room was booked. My first thought was, damn I should have informed him about my arrival! Then we just exchanged an awkward conversation and he wished me goodnight and went back to his room.

As I opened the door of my new room, I had no idea I was opening the door to my new life with the person I just saw and met at the corridor. I entered the room that night and took a deep breath, I was relaxed and excited to be where I was. I came to B city because I wanted a life of my own, independence is something I’ve always loved and freedom is what I had longed for. Living with my parents at K city was a safe but boring option. Especially at that time, I really wanted to get away from the responsibilities for a while. I wondered why did I have to meet him there that too in a purely co-incidental manner. I could not help thinking this could be some kind of a sign, but at the same time I laughed it out loud(literally).  I told myself that my imagination is silly and dismissed this fancy idea. I was not looking for a relationship at that time and as it turned out later, neither was A!

As days passed by, I seldom thought about it again. But there was something in him that I was drawn to, not exactly in a romantic way but I liked talking to him. We went along pretty well and we talked for long hours. But I was not particularly fond of his careless attitude towards his life. His friends would always brag about how good looking he was and how girls would buzz around him like bees buzzed around a flower. To me he was just an ordinary guy. One time I even told his friend that he is just an ordinary guy, not so special and there are many guys like him in Nepal, his friend did not quite like my candid expression about one of his closest friend, obviously!! Duhh!!!

As I got to know him more, my perceived idea of him and his natural self always contradicted. He was nice, humble, down to earth and logical guy.

There were frequent casual conversations with him after that which lead to knowing him more. He had well adapted to the environment he was in for over 5 years. He had little expression on his face, had a nice smile, seldom looked me in the eye when we talked. This made me look into him more, made me want to find more. I didn’t have a  slightest clue what was in store for us and I guess neither did he. Everytime I met him, the depth of his light eyes had some ethereal appeal to it. The more I looked into it, more it drew me to it. We were hanging out with the same circle of friends. This meant, having dinner together, going out to the city together and all other group activities. By this time, we had established a certain kind of relationship. Our friends used to tease us on our favoritism for the fellow countrymen. I guess in a way I brought him a little piece of Nepal in B city. I frequently held dinner parties in my room and treated everyone with Nepali food but A enjoyed it the most. We celebrated festivals together and it bonded us, yet we were unaware of what was to happen.

Then slowly, I wanted to be around him more, wanted to breathe in the same air he breathed out. When I look back now, those conversations at dinner, times spent playing cards after dinner were little excuses to spend more time with him, be with him. When I think now, why was it that I wanted to be in his company, the only thing that comes to my mind is how simple it was for me to be happy and carefree when he was around. How easily he made me laugh and how contempt he would look when I smiled at his jokes. Yes this was it for me, the simplicity of life and simplicity of being myself when he was around, the simplicity of him being himself when I was around.

He is a simple kind hearted person who cannot not make anyone sad. But yet he is very strong willed and knows what he wants. He wanted simple things for himself. He is emotional, sentimental, a tiny bit of self centered and human in every possible way. The person who was to come in my life, was him. It was not so easy for me to accept what was happening. The little confusions existed in the beginning. I tried to escape from what I was feeling. When A first asked me the possibility of us being together, I had been hesitant and reluctant to verbally accept him and say “yes” but my actions were a clear yes.

In a way, I had stopped believing in mad love. I had given up the idea of head over heels in love and convinced myself it only existed in fairy tales. I thought I would grow to love someone I lived with, I didn’t believe in the idea of crazy love at that point in life. The idea of romance, the sweet pain and longing that comes with it was missing in my life at that time. Although I have always had this surreal almost perfect idea of love and romance, I thought it didn’t exist in reality.

But love knows nothing, it does not tell right from wrong, it does not distinguish good from bad, it has no boundaries and it flows, it cannot be captured nor confound. It knows no language and it knows no evil.  And just like that love happened for us as well. And the rest as they say “is history”.

You and Me

P.S: Happy Anniversary A.

10 Comments

Filed under Life, ramblings

Life and Me:)

Life is filled with uncertainties. Although many scientists and dreamers likewise would want to invent equations to perform accurate predictions to forecast or even get a hint on what life would lead to, until this day of so called modern times, it has not been quite possible.

My life is no different from yours albeit it does have its own uniqueness, it still follows the same path of uncertainties that your life follows. Human life has a pattern that follows the same route of childhood, growing up and getting old but in its own way it find its way of being unique like a piece of art or a designer dress that is of course an art or a dress but is unique and special in its own too.

When I was a child, all i wanted to do was play with my brothers and sisters, cuddle with my mom and enjoy delicious treats from uncles and aunts. When I grew up to be a teenager, I learned about friendship, companionship along with the discomforting feeling of rebelling against family and trying hard to be socially acceptable. Now when I look back I feel like those years were the most significant in terms of shaping up my personality and the way I am today. After that came the golden days of infatuation, when you’d be infatuated with any cute guy you see at school or on TV. I had and still have a huge crush on Rahul Khanna since his MTV days, I had secret crushes on seniors of my school about whom I had endless conversation with my girlfriends, without any valid conclusions, of course!! It was a classic era, we girls would gather in a special corner in school and talk about all the guys we secretly liked, I wonder if todays’ teenagers still do the same.

Rahul Khanna(Photo Credit:Google Image search)

After that was stuff like career choice, what field of study to choose, whether to study abroad or get admitted in a local university, and then was engineering days. Well, there is a whole other story behind my choice of taking up engineering as a field of study but as I mentioned, life is uncertain but the things we do and the things we choose sure does lead us to the ultimate truth or the ultimate significance of our being if we follow the signs….well at least thats what I think!!:).

Then came along the big lessons in life, the ones that I wasn’t quite ready for like mom’s disease, heartbreak, loneliness and struggle to discover myself and making peace with where I had come and what I had become. These were the big uncertainties in my life that I didn’t have a slightest clue about. I was more than shocked and heartbroken to discover that mom had cancer. She was and still is the centre of my universe. Throughout my life I have been so close to her that at that moment it was impossible for me to imagine life without her presence. It took understanding life to a whole new level. It taught me life is uncertain and our time is limited. Those days that I spent at the hospital were the days that made me appreciate life and love the people around me even more. This experience cured me of negative thinking and life felt good when there was hope and when the impossible looked achievable.

Mommy dearest ❤

After that incident, life has been a bundle of Joy. It made our family stronger, friends closer and enemies farther away which were the negative thinking and wrong attitude towards life. Then came along A, the love of my life, my darling, whom I love with all my heart and soul. Ever since I saw him for the first time at the corridor, life has been better with its little surprises. Even as a stranger, he had looked after me and taken care of me. He has been around in times of need and he has provided love and support beyond my needs and expectations. It is his innocent eyes that remind me how beautiful my life is with him being around. Today, I am happy and at peace. I am getting married early next year and I am looking forward to have a wonderful life ahead :). My hopes, aspirations and ambitions have changed with time as well. I hope to be a good person, aspire to love and care for my family and dream of giving back to the world the same support and love that it has given me in my own little way.

A and Me ❤

And not to mention, I have found a medium to express myself to the world, I have discovered blogging. It makes me true and honest to myself. It encourages me to pursue my dreams and share my experience with numerous people around the world who feel and experience similar things!!:)

4 Comments

Filed under Life, ramblings